Envy: Unhappy Self-Assertion

A life
Governed by the notion

"Anything you can do
I can do better"

Transforms one into:

Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself, lost in your lie......

****

They say

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"

Or
As Plutarch stated:

Of all the disorders of the soul

Is the only one no one confesses to


No one would be willing 
To unmask themselves 
To reveal the dreadful face of envy.


How bitter is one's own scarcity
When one contemplates
The well-being and property of others. 

"Those who envy natural gifts or personal superiorities such as beauty in women or genius in men have no consultation or hope and they have no other alternative than to bitterly and irreconcilable hate the person endowed with such qualities. This envy is the most insatiable and poisonous because the envious person has no hope left; but it is also the vilest because it abhors what it should love and respect."

"Discontented people feel threatened by the
Happy, virtuous, simple, disciplined,
Harmonious people.



One never feels envy for one’s inferiors. No one envies ugly, deformed, stupid, unpleasant, or failed people. Neither does anyone attempt to attack grotesque works of art or works lacking in harmony and beauty. It is precisely these qualities that arouse rage and ill will because they are backdrops against which one’s own insignificance or ugliness shows up.


The envious person hides just as carefully as the secret lascivious sinner,
 and becomes an inexhaustible inventor of tricks, schemes, and ruses
 to conceal and mask oneself.

The envious person will manage to combat or disqualify those whom he/she envies, so that at no time can anyone perceive the moral cancer that eats away at them. They will manage to discredit intelligent, valuable, straightforward, creative, and successful people, for by "chopping off" all these heads has made them feel small, they feel they've grown in size. 

The process of envy always starts with the initial  admiration one feels for someone, 

a feeling that later evolves into affection and love in their positive manifestations 

or to envy in its negative form.

It is really only possible
to envy those we admire or those we acknowledge as our superiors.
This envious obsession produces an unhealthy fixation
with respect to the image of the admired person, and this mechanism inevitably means
“looking up to” someone with pain and discomfort.

 The envious person both hates and desires the person envied.
They watch with the same care and passion
 as a person in love.

They cannot forget him/her.


The envious feels the envied ever-present
as it interferes with their feelings, their mind, and their dreams.
The envious wants to possess the envied belongings, to share their life and happiness,
to have their respect and consideration to then spurn it – in sum,
 to permanently coexist with them.


 There are moments when the envious person would like to dominate the person he/she negatively admires, not to destroy them but to share their existence, and there are other times when they would like to belong to him/her with the same aim in mind. The stimulus of their life is derived from the sentiment of envy by inventing all manner of strategies to harm or injure the person they negatively admire.


No one realizes the magnitude of the harm this underhanded, destructive force can bring about:
A power that kills a person from within, drying up the soul and shrinking the heart, burying it in the shadows of one of the most acute sufferings anyone can experience.

Its development
Bears its own
Punishment.

By wishing to do harm, one harms oneself;
By wanting to stand out, one becomes enslaved and subordinate;
By trying to debase the admired object, one ends by exalting it;
By attacking the happiness of others, one destroys one's own."

~*Dario Salas Sommer 


*****

Life has a way 

Of giving certain qualities

To those who do not ask for them

Their gift is a curse to those who want what they weren't meant to have.

To an outsider watching my interactions 

It's assumed I'm an extrovert

Contrary to what actions reflect, I'm an introvert.

A delighted wallflower
Where the actions of others is serene

Without the disturbance of direct involvement.

I believe my love for placidity and solitude

 Make others flock in my direction for fellowship

The same applies to my preference for writing introspections
Opposed to speaking them out loud

Therefore, I'm always asked to voice esoteric conception(s).

Both of these occurrences
In which I scarcely initiate 

Distance me from the proximity of  my comfort zone.

As a natural seer - guided by intuition 

 During interims on the outskirts of preferred elements

 My perception is enhanced to levels 

That're incomprehensible to others. 

Whenever I'm within the vicinity, or feel a vibe

 That's not easily interpreted by an outsider 

I go to a particular understander -  who gave me life.  

As I explain  the transference of  negative energy/ill will
From an individual I know detests me but insists on becoming my second shadow
 Mimicking who I am

Is irksome to say the very least. 

More times than I can count, my mother has told me:

 Imitation is a compliment.

And I usually give her the gas face, like 3rd bass. 

Not out of disrespect, I appreciate her wisdom

 But in difference of conjecture.

To me:

It isn't complementary for anyone 

To smile in my face, when obtrusive opposition is felt

Nor is it flattering for anyone to impersonate what  isn't possessed, naturally. 

Especially when  their emulation isn't to learn or evolve, but for the sake of "being better". 

There's nothing more disturbing

Than watching someone transform into a caricature of you

Beguiled in lies.

Knowing

Direction without purpose, will never suffice.
 Feelings of incapacity intensify - stem from no where 

But self. 

Unhappy Self-Assertion  =  Human poison

Sadly, I've experienced, seen and watched said disposition
Reign supreme over countless individuals

Who've yet to discover who they are because invaluable time is spent
 Trying to be like/keep up with everyone else. 

I adopt a
Minuscule and uninhibited circle

 Randomly cutting people off.  

Disposal - without explanation

A clear cut

 Manifestation: 

Time Reveals All 

When you're what you've always been,  

The continuance of artificiality is undauntedly luminous.

No matter how inconspicuous a person wishes to be

False pretenses extrude out of their mannerisms, actions, and speech

Resplendently.

Shattering 

The glass house they've built around themselves.

An eye green with envy looks out

Believing no one can see the destruction within: 

They Irradiate hate and resentment

Through their gaze  or

mere presence.

Corrupted By The Secret Passion 
That Corrodes

Know Your History

If We Do Not Speak 

Of It

Others Will Surely Rewrite The Script 

Continuing with an excerpt from the follow:

"One is astonished in the study of history at the recurrence of the idea that evil must be forgotten, distorted, skimmed over. We must not remember that Daniel Webster got drunk but only that he was a splendid constitutional lawyer. We must forget that George Washington was a slave owner . . . and simply remember the things we regard as creditable and inspiring. The difficulty, of course, with this philosophy is that history loses its value as an incentive and example; it paints perfect man and noble nations, but it does not tell the truth."  ~* W.E.B. Du Bois

"When you deal with the past, you're dealing with history, you're dealing actually with the origin of a thing. When you know the origin, you know the cause. It's impossible for you and me to have a balanced mind in this society without going into the past, because in this particular society, as we function and fit into it right now, we're such an underdog, we're trampled upon, we're looked upon as almost nothing. Now if we don't go into the past and find out how we got this way, we will think that we were always this way. And if you think that you were always in the condition that you're in right now, it's impossible for you to have too much confidence in yourself, you become worthless, almost nothing. But when you go back into the past and find out where you once were, then you will know that you once had attained a higher level, had made great achievements, contributions to society, civilization, science, and so forth. And you know that if you once did it you can do it again; you automatically get the incentive, the inspiration and the energy necessary to duplicate what our forefathers did."  ~*Malcolm X

****

During my adolescence upon seeing the commercial by McDonald's
Lighting candles to commemorate 
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  
I knew my favorite time of year was approaching. 


During the month of February
We paid homage to 4 of my favorite people.
A woman that refused to leave her seat
A male baseball player
A female conductor on the underground railroad 
And a man who had a dream. 


I vividly remember 
The excitement I felt 
Every Black History Month.

Unlike the individuals I read about all year round
Rosa Parks, Jackie Robinson, Harriet Tubman, and MLK
Filled me with a sense of pride
To be an African-American. 


 I was so overjoyed to learn something different
 It never occurred to me to ask
Why did we spend an entire month
Year in and out...
 Talking about the exact same people?


I didn't recognize 
The information that was withheld  
And the gaps in between what  I was taught
Until my eyes were slightly open
In November of 1992. 

I was eleven years old 
When my mother and father took me to see 
Malcolm X 
Directed by Spike Lee. 


At the time, Malcolm X 
 Was the longest movie I ever saw in my life.
I was enthralled every second
 I sat in the movie theater watching.


At the closing credits
 I was in awe of a man I never knew existed
And how different he was from the four individuals I learned about
Every year.


My curiosity was piqued.....





A few months later 
During the 1st day in school of Black History Month
I anticipated asking my history teach about Malcolm X.


We knew everything there was to know about 
Rosa Parks, Jackie Robinson, Harriet Tubman, and MLK
Surely we could discuss something different, right?
WRONG! 


I was told, if Malcolm X was important 
He'd be in our history books.
Being that he isn't, 
Learning about him wasn't up for discussion. 


I was in utter shock 
Unable to reply.
My teachers response 
Silenced me into submission.


3 Years later
My silence was transformed 
Into an invigorating voice 


No one could quell. 

In 1995 at the age of 14
My eyes were opened further
When I went to the movies to see
 Panther 
Directed by Mario Van Peebbles. 





Like Malcolm X
I didn't know Huey P. Newton 
And the Black Panther Party existed. 

Ironically 
This unknown 
Made sense out of everything I was previously taught

It pieced together:
Why Rosa Parks refused to leave her seat
Why Jackie Robinson was commended
Why Harriet Tubman Freed slaves
And the reason behind Martin Luther King's dream.

Although it wasn't Black History Month
I couldn't wait until I went to school the following Monday
 So I could ask my History teacher about The Black Panther Party. 

I assumed 
Because I was no longer in elementary school
My Junior high school teacher would answer my inquiry, right?
WRONG!

I received the same response. 
This time around I refused to remain silent.
I responded in an authoritative manner
Demanding to be taught about those who weren't written in our schools history books. 
Not just during Black History Month, but all year long. 


That day was the 1st time I was suspended from school
For 'challenging' an educator.
It definitely wasn't the last, 
for years to come. 

I was determined to
Obstruct:

"Philosophers have long conceded... that every man has two educations: that which is given to him, and the other that which he gives himself. Of the two kinds the latter is by far the more desirable. Indeed all that is most worthy in man he must work out and conquer for himself. It is that which constitutes our real and best nourishment. What we are merely taught seldom nourishes the mind like that which we teach ourselves." 
 

What formal education refused to provide
I spent countless hours cultivating my mind 
At various libraries, teaching myself.
Slowly opening my visions circumference. 


In February of 2001 at the age of 20
I was bestowed with good fortune to have met
And had an in depth discussion with 
S.E. Anderson, the author of:

Conversing with S.E. Anderson 
Coupled with the content I absorbed from his book
My eyes were opened 
Conclusively.

A week later
In the course of my internship
At Teen Talk Radio.


I was given the opportunity 

To read the following poem during Black History Month
Live on the air:

Unspoken Truth 

"Free at last, Free at last,

Thank God almighty

We are free at last"

Martin Luther King, had a dream

The speech he delivered, Gave inspiration and gleam

But to know one’s history, What would those lines

Really mean:

We’ll we ever be free

Because if we were, In this land ,We wouldn’t be

Crossed over by sea, In chains

Beaten and tormented, stripped to shame

Taken to plains and fields

Wondering where we came from

Ever exist - No longer real

Watching our people, Get slaughtered and killed

Was our pain

How you stripped us of our name

Culture and dignity

You made us into slaves, The lowest of living things

Inherent pangs

Giving birth to their children, Still being enslaved

At the tender age of three

As long as they could walk, That’s all massa could see

For to them we went nothing

We were less then human beings

Through the Atlantic Slave Trade, Millions of my people died

For hundreds of years, It is only my people who have cried

Who tears have dried, Nothing of them remains

But pictures, scars, nooses, and chains

By bringing them here, What have they gained

As I ask those who brought us here

Have no shame, Only greed

Twisting history so to others

It is misconceived

We must look upon the past, To know what was done

To us throughout history, cannot be overcome

What gives us hope, Inspiration and gleam

Should be more then just a dream

But to see:

Living upon a land

One doesn’t come from

We’ll never

Be free

© LaToya S. C.

Author's Comments

 Inclination:

 Silenced

Nevermore 

 
The poem above was written 10 years ago
Until this day
I continuously nourish my mind
Striving to insight the appetite of inquiry
In the minds others.

Never losing sight of:

"The events which transpired five thousand years ago; Five years ago or five minutes ago, have determined what will happen five minutes from now; five years from now or five thousands years from now. All history is a current event" ~*Dr. John Henrik Clarke 

They Are Us.

They Are Me;
They Are You.

Know Your History.....

Impermanence

                                                        

All Is Mind

The Universe Is Mental  

As we live 
Within integral mentalities 

  Emotional sensations are intertwined 

Which are you?

"Are you what you have done

Or what you'd like to believe that you would not do

But have done.

You are what you do

And what you do frequently

Is coming from your conditioned self.

With all the best intentions

And with all the best input

People frequently make very poor choices

And then master that choice

Because at some point 

It worked for them.

When you lie and get away with it

It works

When you steal and get away with it

It works

I never find people

Who just 

Lie once

Steal once

Betray once

It becomes a pattern"

~*Gary Null

In the prism 

of behaviors

Repeat occurrences 

Throughout the course of a day
People undergo
An array of transformations

Many elect
To haphazardly
Cloak themselves in

Camouflage Of Concealment

Sensationalism 

Overpowers 

The minds capacity

Repeated

Sensibility 

Conveys:

"A feeling is just that -- a feeling. It has no true independent existence. When a feeling is pleasurable you want it to go on, because you have mistakenly identified with it's pleasant sensations. You think you are that feeling. This misplaced sense of self wouldn't present any problems, except that as your pleasurable feelings fade, which all feelings must do, so does the you that was feeling pleased. Now all you can do is feel displeased and so you start the pleasure-seeking cycle all over again.


You think that what you are looking for is pleasure, but what you are really seeking is permanence.


There is the pleasure of permanence which is not a feeling but a level of being. This elevated state of awareness may include all of the various feelings as they come and go, pleasant or not, but it remains effortlessly undisturbed and undiminished by either emotional ebb or swell. Your pleasure is that you are -- not what you feel "


~* Guy Finley


Wherever you decide to look
You can see Individuals
Who feel the need to hold onto
What cannot be grasped

Spiritually, Physically, Introspectively

Torturing themselves

Through remembrance

Forgone

Enacting 

Prolongation  

Of what can never again exist

 In the same formation

I am not a stranger
To these words
I've lived what's written
First hand

Over the past 2-3 years
I've placed myself under a microscope
Absorbing analysis
 Emotions divulge

Without the pretentiousness of a mask
Without concerning myself with who's watching
Without explaining myself

Simply be...

It is a disservice to your mental state
Of being an awareness
Attempting to cement feelings/emotions
That are congruous

More times than not
 Abominable experiences are held onto
In the form of a grudge
Personifying the statement:


Unhappiness 
Doesn't Come At You;
It Comes From You


Robbing
Oneself
Of Peace


"Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively."

The seems of undesirables

Assemble

Discernment  

Characteristics and situations
May appear to have levels
Of the sameness

But as individuals
We inhabit immeasurable
 Strengths and weaknesses

Our endurances
Are the equivalence
Of the uniqueness of a fingerprint


Illustrating:

Life Is A Succession Of Lessons
Which Must Be Lived
To Be Understood


On emotional roller coasters
Unknowns

Are prone 

Teaching us
How to spot commonalities
In others
Or differences to avert

Going through the motions

Is what many people fear

And seldom voice

Silence turns to misery 

Hardening 

Dissimulation 

When you believe

You've mastered self
And all there is to know

You're tested on the material
Then greeted with something
You've yet to learn


The process can be overwhelming
But:

You Cannot Find Peace

By Avoiding Life

Amid
Trial and error
Gain and loss

Defeat and things conquered

Looking back
Will no longer be painful
But an honor

Letting go of
What may have once worked
But is no longer needed


Embrace
All that you experience
 Recognizing the preciousness of :

Time waits for nothing.....
Age finds us all

 "Nothing in life is permanent or intrinsically yours. The passages in our life are meant to help us. Use the passages the best you can, but realize every single thing we do will have an expiration date. If you try to make things forever you're setting yourself up for an emotional crisis. 


If instead; 
Take nothing for granted
And appreciate everything"

Inquiring Mind

During a point in our life
Many of us have been told:

"Believe None Of What You Hear 
And Half Of What You See." 



Yet and still
 Undivided precedence is given
To misconceptions
As ears readily accept smidgens of truth.
Lost in telepathy
Of sordid projections.


For many
Reality is interjected
via formal 'education', impersonal communication
Mass media, social networks
And a plethora of uncontrollable hosts.

Daily, ingesting
 Manufactured
Concepts.



At Exactly What Point 
Do You Start To Realize That
Life Without Knowledge, Is Death In Disguise.....




Apply it to your life, let destiny manifest.....


***


During my adolescence
I fell in love with the quote:

The Absence of Knowledge

Creates The Image Of Perfection 

To me the words above are vast in meaning,
But if I had to sum it up
I would say:

 The beginning of many things
Or encounters
 Is an unknown.

Which
At times
Is a form of perfection.

Until

One delves beneath omnipresence
Peeling away layers upon layers
Obtaining insight

Obliviousness is no longer obscure
Revealing
What blind acceptance
And unquestioning
Hides.

Think, Dissect, Reflect.

For me

Constant inquiry 

Is the foundation of existence. 

Contentment 

Is a reflection 

Of internal demise. 

In many instances

To come across something

 That doesn't make sense: 

"We Learn More By Looking For The Answer To A Question

And Not Finding It

Than We Do From Learning The Answer Itself."

As information is gathered

Thought processes

Consistently prevail.....

Through the prevalence of movement

From adolescence 

To adulthood. 

My ways of being

 Has be subjected 

To ridicule

To name a few

 Other's have often

 Labeled me as:

"Trying to kick knowledge" 

"Believing I'm smart" or a

"Pseudo-Intellectual" 

In middle childhood 

Said mockery 

Was offensive

As a woman 

I recognize the transparency

Of a naysayers trepidation....

Who honestly 

Takes pride

 In what they don't know?

Is one supposed to be ashamed 

Of what they've learned

And their curiosities

Or 

Be a reflection of ignorance

To make others comfortable?

Only those who are inept by their inadequacies

Disguised as judgement 

Can answer

I strive to dwell amongst those who are receptive

To learning and questioning

As I open myself up to be taught. 

Knowing.....

Through various realms

 I've come to appreciate

And gained an understanding that:

"The Wisdom Of The Wise

 And The Experience Of The Ages 

May Be Preserved By 

Quotations"

****

As my
Mind
Inquires

In avoidance
Of the swarm
I know:

Life,

Life is about

Evolving and growing

Elevating

Constant Growth.....

Until my last breath

Continuously

 Manifest....